Nostalgic Midnight Inspiration
How do you personally define success? What is your vision when you picture your “dream job”? Does your mind instanly conjure up an image or images providing intentional motivation or does it draw a blank causing frustration? I was asked these questions…by a new voice… one I have been getting to know intimately…my reflective self. One who grounds her energy, and thinks things through, (probably a little too much these days if you ask me but we are working on it.) What does success honestly look, feel, and sound like to you Caitlin? What are you seeking in this life for ultimate fulfillment? What have you been chasing, surface level and deep-seated shadows and wounds? What do you really feel incomplete without?
On the hunt, seeking purpose, passion, and the high of that beautiful creative spark in life, we as humans can get misaligned from time to time on what we intended to do in this world. Each experience, good, bad, and indifferent quietly and not so quietly shaping us. During this molding process, if untethered, we can become blinded to the subtle shifts that distract from what we once set out to do.
In my own life, if I could sum up with one single word, what I now choose to focus alignment with internally…ENOUGHNESS. For years, maybe even my entire life, I felt the need to chase validation. Instead of choosing to trust in myself, self-abandonment became common practice. Leading to an endless game of “Keeping up with the Jones’s”, prioritizing posessions to abundance, small and quick gains to long-term growth and stability. Never feeling worthy, not finding contentment in what I had, what I had worked so hard for and gave away so easily for the next best thing. To top it all off? A big old scarcity wound. Never trusting the outcome, fearing true abundance and aligned fulfillment.
Falling into our shadow selves is quiet at first. Almost cozy and nostalgic. Subconsiously, our body is scanning out of survival mode what is safe to “rest for the night”. Stemming from childhood wounds, family systems and beliefs ingrained in us - a lot of the time subconsiously; old patterns and habits formed, most that we didn’t even know we were carrying with us. Then one day you wake up and you don’t look like you, feel like you, think or speak or act like you. You feel so empty and lost, in an abyss of confusion, anger, and freeze mode. Blaming anyone and anything, looking back on every moment, relationship, choice, trying to figure out how you got here…
In my search for self and ultimate fulfillment, I will admit, I am coming to find myself to be my own worst enemy. As a high-functioning, people-pleasing, perfectionist, specializing in the “rat-race” world, you can lose sight of what provides your soul joy and inspiration. What fuels your body and mind with love and appreciation can be lost and when we are lost this begins to cloud our minds, allowing our shadows to take full control. Not realizing the person you have been striving so hard to become and prove yourself to be, is someone you originally were working so hard NOT to be. I don’t know the answers, nor am I an expert on truly any subject, (much too distracted, full of ADHD for such responsiblities at this current time) but based on my personal experiences so far in love, grief, healing, life, faith and everything in between, it became essential for me to switch things up.
1.) STOP; and take in the joys of life, our beautiful earth, the people and animals living in it - yes, bugs included, a community and fellow kinship filled with reciprocity, healthy routines that somehow renew, relax, and ground - for me personally, showering religiously every morning, or taking off my jewelry every night before bed, 2.) BREATHE; take the time to breathe, take a walk, cool off, reflect, ground in nature, soak up sunshine, breathe in fresh air, appreciate your body that allows this and the earth that provides it. Slow down in these moments, taking note of the flowers around you, the circle of life being shown if you pay attention… 3.) LISTEN TO MY BODY; if I am tired, I sleep or rest, if I am hungry, I eat, if I am emotional, I feel it, speak it, or purge it, and if I want to say no, I say NO.
Little by little, setting these little intentional routines, I began to see, hear, and feel that voice of my old self shining through. I began making choices that were healthier for my physical body. Starting with addictions. Therapy too. Lots of it. Books good for the soul, prayer, church, walks, sunshine, physical activity, socialization with the people who bring you joy. Trying new things, trying scary things, being humble, having fun, being goofy. The list goes on. Eventually, you start becoming aware of the internal shifts. Emotions become louder, no longer buried. You begin to unravel the mindsets that caused the shifts to begin with. You find support. Good friends who fill your cup. Who love you, the real you. Who can hold your emotions, and see you, listen to you, and love you uncondiontionally. You find your faith. Grounding you, reminding you of a higher purpose. Selflessness. Forgiveness. Trust. Eventually you start flowing with life, and not against it. You start enjoying the little things again. Finding joy in nature, in the sun, the sky. You release the expectations not only on yourself, but others, and the outcomes. What is meant for you will never pass you by…
We are all living the human experience, going through our own storms, hardships, joys, and journeys. So…what does success look like to you? Envision it. Write it down. Create it digitally. Anything that gets your creative energy flowing, do it. To someone, you are an inspiration…so go out and inspire. Yourself, a friend, a neighbor, a nephew, whatever fits your journey, do it for the next neighbor. Envision the life you dream to have. Create the Vision Board. Make it YOU, authentically, wonderfully, you. Make it your screensaver. Print it and frame it. Envision the life you want. You might be surprised to find, you are already half way there.